It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
