I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I will be naked everywhere
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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