do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Randomize
