My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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