I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
