he fucked my hip out of place.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
