literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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