Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
