forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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