wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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