Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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