I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
