I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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