The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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