the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
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I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
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it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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