How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
