I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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