I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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