He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
