so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
