I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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