Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
