you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
