people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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