I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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