Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
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when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
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I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug