Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
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So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
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I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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