Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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