rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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