I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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