I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
