The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
