It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
