you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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