Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Only a mothe r could love this liver
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
