I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
