thus making me awesome and them whores
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
