i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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