I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
