I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
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Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
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Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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