I accidentally had phone sex last night
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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