I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
