Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Randomize
