the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
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Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
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The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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