the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
