It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
