My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
