hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Please, let me fuck your mom
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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