new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
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