Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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