remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
