So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
