his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
