I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
