You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
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Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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