I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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