Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
