worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
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Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
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yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?