ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
