I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
